Pity Party

The post below I wrote yesterday and decided to sit on the words a bit to see if I really wanted to publish them. Today I realized that I need to keep my entries as real as possible...no sugar coating! People that know me well know I shoot straight from the hip and I do not hold with tying reality up in pretty little bows or in sweeping life under the carpet. "It is was it is" and if I am to continue writing in this manner I will report our circumstances with respectful authenticity. 

But I will preface this by saying today was a MUCH, MUCH better day than we have had all week. So here goes:

PITY PARTY

I have put much effort into keeping my blog entries as upbeat as possible. People want to hear things are going smoothly and Dave is improving…and he is improving, however incremental it is, we just need to remind ourselves that it is improvement all the same. It also helps me to try and look at things with a smile but when out-of-the-blue obstacles crop up and undermine my well laid plans I end up in a puddle of glum. 

Not long after Dave’s stroke I was contacted by people who had their own stories of long term care-giving and they offered me support with their kind words. There really is no recipe for handling life changing events such as we have gone through…the only way is forward with chin held up as high as you are able. The tough part is keeping your chin up!

I have had plenty of talks with myself concerning attitude: “Cheryl, you have 2 choices….on one side is misery and the other is joy. Now which one is more fun?” The answer is joy of course and I figure if I can bend my mind in that direction it may not exactly hit “Joy” but it certainly will stray from “Misery”. Most of the time this stiff talk slaps me in the face with a good dose of “get-over-it” but lately I have sincerely struggled. The culprit is my weakened state due to foot surgery last week. I am now in the position of needing the care.

Going into this surgery I understood the stakes but I really needed to get my foot taken care of so I could move forward in my life also. I actually welcomed this as the next step in Dave’s recovery. By all accounts things should have been fine with his recent success and improvements. I thought, “How great his new independence will feel when the roles are reversed and he can benefit from being the care-taker rather than the receiver!” Not that I require that much care…but not being able to put weight on my left foot for 2 weeks makes the simple things awkward and time consumptive. 

The first few days went swell with Dave cooking dinner, doing laundry while I lazed about in a drug induced nirvana. Enter the unplanned perpetrators: first Dave broke a tooth and then he got sick. Not just a little ill but enough to have him slumbering on the couch for hours on end, drinking little and eating less. Pain and illness combined to slay his language skills and his energy has been nil. Meanwhile I wheel myself around the house trying to care for myself and him. This morning I broke down when it took me 3 times as long as it should to change the bed sheets. Jorel discovered me with hunched shoulders weeping with abandon. I was having my own little pity party and boy was I the life of the party! Or the death…depending upon your perspective. 

I have a plethora of sayings posted on my studio wall and the one I have reflected most upon the past 3 months states “Plan for the worst, Hope for the best, Take what comes.” The taking-what-comes part can leave a bitter taste in your mouth…and taking it with grace and a positive spirit is what I would aspire to but do not accomplish as well as I would like. 

So many times when I find myself on the doorstep of misery I am blessed with a perspective that makes me realize that things are not so tough. There are always people suffering so much greater than we are. Things are grim but not fatal. My situation is temporary and soon my scooter will be in the rear view mirror. I must have faith as we plug along each day with the formidable task of learning to talk, read and write that Dave’s situation will also prove temporary. At that time I will be healed and ready to jump and tumble and dance in joy!